that was nice! that was nice! i mean it
it has me thinking
like i have a few scattered--

um, all my life, i've rarely sought out--plete understanding
it's often unreasonable to ask for, especially from another person
and i think uh this way that i've lived, it's uh,
contributed to how you, to how you feel comfortable with,
um how you say, needing less story. looking at feelings, and happenings, instead
without --posing a a structure that isn't quite right
like i don't even uh delve through or mine my own history, deeply
'cause to me, i dunno, what's the use of that

it's kind of like you've written here:
generational trauma minus socioeconomic autocorrelation minus self-narra--what?
yeah so i appreciate, in your words,
your, the skepticism of the effect size of like the trauma--epigenetic--responses
i agree with you
and, i know you know i know you're not as cruel
as you sometimes like--put out to be
but not everyone brands themselves as a series of feelings and happenings
so you can't, you know
you have your own delusional mythology
you weren't born of mac low, sophie, to--carthy and 2010s r&--
you you chose those things
there was the sonnet, the canon, english--about metaphors plainly--cal piano lessons
you're not special among the, the, you know
and you're usually good at acknowledging this sh--
and so with this, you can't make some exception
you can't deny--home you came from
but this should, this, this all should be com--, this all should be comforting, damon,
because you can leave a home and
as you're kind of doing, but hesitantly
because to acknowledge something
the true something
is not to commit to it being this huge thing for y--

okay, and then the other point, um, i want to return to is the, the metaphor
because you say you care about the metaphor, right? of it,
giving it proper weight not to--
you learned the method of metaphor in part through--video game, you've said, right?
bide, --deavor, facade, swagger, will-o-wi--
i won't go as far to say that therefore, for you, language is about damage mech--
but sometimes you you do treat it as a way of scoring points, playing this game of talking
and that can be cool, that can get cool things out of that
but it can also mean that you circle the drain all the same,
and delay really getting at what you're trying to get at
and that's bad because what you'll get instead is a halfway thing

don't be shy abou--form of--you're actually wanting to see yourself needing to ma--
don't try to pass off the half--the full th--world--enough half things and
you have it within and around you to not
or or or or to sometimes not

and there are moments i wish you would have held out more
like i didn't mind i didn't mind any withholding of of communication
i was still listening, and receiving those moments but you just steamrolled through them
uh, i need more beauty and less because you were trying to do this,
you know, i mean you you know i know,
you, you to some extent you there is some telegraphing of,
and if that's what you're really against and
based on what you previously said there needs to be
less meaning less meaning less meaning
more of the nice, aesthetic,
the raw element that you're you're talking about
if you really believe in what you--
you can't rush past the part of proving yourself
on the counts that you care about
otherwise it's a half--.
do you understand? am i s--do you understand what i'm saying

hello
yeah one second

i get what you're saying, ummm
lately, about every day i look at
myself, like what i've done with myself, recently
and the feeling of it is always different
i know it's just the weather
or just the lighting or
even just the caffeine
but it feels fundamental all the same
and that can get disturbing when lately it's only been me to
consult, or ask that, to talk about it

let me put it to you like this
we can reappraise where we've come from, where we've gone
over and over and over and over and over again. until we quote
not necessarily bad
but then there's the making, in the world
and taking the, actually taking the risk, with the placement
what kind of legacy is, a perfect mirror just for yourself

but i wanna, i would want to be able to
convince, to really convince,
my heart of the manifesto bullet points,
if I'm writing them down after
i thought i thought of everything
i know you know i'm always trying to
listen to the wind that comes from any direction,
and of course that makes it difficult
but it's something i still want
that i feel like, i should be able to do...

because it's convinced by the making and doing and sharing a lot
that stuff doesn't always come after.

and yeah like that's the
correct thing to say, of course
you know sometimes you need to prove yourself wrong
whatever
i dunno. after this round, i still feel... upset.
i still feel this need to be like oh, i hope,
i really hope you are better at, at--
i hope you are more open than me at
giving forgiveness, you know?

there's nothing to forgive though, damon. i don't know what your problem is.
the single wing-flap. remember? remember you told yourself that?
take your own f**king advice.
yes i did say that. cause i'm awful at listening to myself. thank you./
you have to, you have to make your own scaffolding.
pick a place to start. remember? remember i said that?
guilt isn't work.
stop stalling.
thank you./
stop holding back. stop being so shy about what needs to happen.
there is a difference between the shelf in your room, and the display by the window.
a huge f**king difference. you should know that.
thank you./
you do know that. you know i know you know that.
i just need to be told some things multiple times?/
i don't know why you would not know that.
you're not going to get there by talking more.

thank you, really, thank you for this, um
i appreciated it
i feel most loved when met with intensity
like this kind of checking in
like i wish other people gave me more of this kind of hones--
no, i mean--
i wish i i were better at inviting people to--no,
i wish i were more honest with mys--no. that's not true
i, i wish i could-- do what i honestly intend to do, more intensely. yeah
i i w--- i want to be able to more - to honestly do what i honestly mean to do, more intensely

and lately that's creating less need to talk to myself because
at this point i'm tired of my own words already and my own understanding of words
i miss my old friends. i miss talking to them
i miss certain kinds of strangers too. i miss... but yeah
it was getting, it was getting very hard to hear myself
and in many ways, right now,
i need to work through certain things largely with myself
and i feel like i wasn't being open to hearing from you

because honestly this, this whole thing here
this one whole thing here, fundamentally, is, it's for you and,
it's to say, i liked it when you were checking in on me
back when i was still building the monument
and now that i'm not i worry that what we had is maybe
gone maybe forever and that's sad
like it's kind of it it it's sad
i miss feeling that positive force behind me
it was very uncomplicated, and in that way it was kind of wrong,
but it felt nice, it felt very nice and
this is why i just... these days like, i'm just trying to work through my own
i can only work with myself and
revising the same material, over and over
just maybe twisting it better
rewriting to get these like small differen--
these small possible improvements in my understanding
but a lot of times
it just feels like the negative maps again,
that i always... i always revert to,
i dunno, but, for,
maybe you would see this differently
you would say oh it's, these are the wing-flaps, these are
it's fine, this is how it works, like
you'd be happy with it, maybe
you'd be happy with me, probably

i've been so scared to approach you, but, i'm glad i did [...]
i've been so scared to approach you, but, i'm glad i did [...]/

nah but like, stop, it doesn't sound right
you is not. i i should quit the vague you. it, you is not me
it's not the listener, it's not a lover, it's not a religious authority,
it's not a past version of myself, it's you! my, my ancestors
i need to not avoid saying that
this is for you, ancestors
i, i really am wanting, missing if it ever was a thing, like, us
stop this

cause really actually honestly don't give a fuck
actually about the culture we share, fundamentally
i don't care about the details of blood or of language
i definitely don't care about food, or history
i don't care about culture really
because the root direct thing is
i miss feeling like i was
within your circle of understanding
your moral vision at my back
and i want to feel again how, the, i wanna feel again the trace of your
of how my heart and your understanding meet
because somehow i i think that they still do
but the fact that i can't, know anymore,
that it's been so foggy on your end, sucks

i'm grateful i could make myself more available to you like this
i'm earnestly trying to m--, trying to make my stakes legible to you
the non-linearity, that i-- results or or i work through to me in my opinion
that's a failure
i hate the incentives of accepting,
or even playing up my alienation from you
of jumping on you and then away from you
like a fucking trampoline
i, the, my desire to seek comfort in all the
other open arms, also i hate that,
it's sad, because what i really want,
because i can deserve both,
is y-- is our connection
con đang chờ máy nha
i want your wisdom for how to move in the world
it's the utility and the good feeling, both